You know what Santa’s bringing to you and all the other good gentile/agnostic/festive atheist boys and girls this year? Nope, neither do we, because that’s a Christmas miracle surprise, and the very knowing of that secret is a crime against Lorthos, the god of the Yule.

But we do know what Santa’s bringing to all the good/evil/very evil retailers this Christmas Day: Absolutely nothing. Squat. Nada. Zilch-o. Good thing they’re selling those Mario-themed stockings, because it will be a great place to put their fat lump of coal.

Just remember the oldest Christmas adage, kids: Santa giveth and Santa taketh away.